“All the old ghosts will let you know just how far, just how far gone you are.” – The Prayer Chain
“You and I both know this house is haunted. And you and I both know that the ghost is me.” – Shakey Graves
My house is haunted. I am the ghost. My bipolar is the ghost. It lingers through the air, along the walls, behind the doors. It lurks. It taunts. It whispers my failings constantly. It screams them. My house is a reminder of all the bad that I have done and all of the good that I have left undone.
My house is a mess. It is a disaster. It is cluttered. There are things everywhere. Nothing sorted. Nothing organized. There is nothing really important filling the space. There is just junk, a reminder of the spending sprees that left us broke and gained us nothing.
The state of my house is a combination of all of the lethargy and rage that come with all of the years of undiagnosed, untreated, unmedicated, uncontrolled bipolar.
There are holes in walls. There are holes in doors. There is a broken washing machine that hasn’t been fixed for two years. There are projects begun and long abandoned. There is a ceiling fan sitting alone in the corner of the bedroom still waiting to replace the one that has hung lifelessly there for nearly a decade.
My house is my mania. My house is my depression. My house is my irritability, my anger, my rage. My house is my apathy and my lethargy. My house is a manifestation of all of my faults, all of my symptoms, all of my failings, all of my despair, all of my angst.
My house is filled with the ghosts of lost years. My house is filled with the specters of time wasted, of life wasted. My house is the embodiment of the passage of time and the inevitability of death.
My house is all of these things. But it is not only these things. Nor will it remain so.
I have been working on my life. I am working on becoming a better me. I am working on becoming who I have always wanted to be. I am taking my bipolar and its treatment seriously and am seeing positive results.
While I am working on myself I am also working on my house. I am decluttering it. I am organizing it. I am cleaning it. I am repairing the holes and replacing the doors. I am removing the reminders of the mess that has been my life from this space. I am exorcising the demons. I am chasing off the ghosts.
I am taking this dead space and I am bringing it back to life. I am mending this space. I am mending myself.
The old ghosts are leaving. Soon they will not haunt this space any more. Death is leaving. Like winter gives way spring new life is coming into this space.
Where there was despair there is hope. Where there was decay there is restoration. Where there was rage there is peace. Where there was chaos there is balance.
Where there were ghosts there is the hope of a better life to come.